Tuesday, January 10, 2006
1/10/06 Brain Update
- Jimi Hendrix "Manic Depression"
"Quisiera llorar, quisiera morir, de sentimiento"
- Lyric from Cancion Mixteca
I've always liked those painful Chicano songs. I guess I understand why. It's a form of Chicano therapy. Even when the words are sad and painful they are often performed as happy dance tunes. But it usually allows us to express things that if we said directly or sober would be hard on other people.
The last few encounters have been like getting kicked in the teeth. Things like coming to the realization that you have been preparing your best friend for you checking out, and your best friend being prepared - actually thinking of what needs to happen in such a case - really kicks your butt. Having another best friend tell you that you'll never get it together; that you'll never feel good enough. And realizing that this statement has accuracy. The exact statement was, "you could become Mr. Olypmia and you wouldn't feel good enough, you could play right next to Steve Jordan and you wouldn't feel like a good musician. No matter how many cards or letters your kids do for you, you'll never feel like you did good enough." And then letting you know that you can hear it because you love this person and they know you may get pissed at them, but they aren't leaving your friendship. That they can tell you the hard things because they know you'll listen to someone you love.
I got this quote last week, let's see if I have it off of the top of my head. Something like Be who you are and say what you have to say, the people that matter won't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.
The hard part is the break in logic. Its hard for me to get that people care enough that my having a hard time matters to them. Or that my checking out would be hard on them. But of course then I feel like I'm making it hard on them and want to check out. It may suck but I'll probably be checking out mentally. I still have enough sense to know that checking out physically is not the right way to go.
Two of my best friends have told me that its hard to watch me go through this. So instead of going, "wow how cool" my brain goes into "see, you're making life harder." Luckily there's times I know that's crap.
I'm slowly getting a team of people to help me through wherever I'm at. Still having crying spells. Still feel bad about telling people about that. Still think its funny when people try to tell me to try and control the crying spells - they didn't get the "uncontrollable" part I guess. LOL
There are things I know won't happen in my life, and part of me has decided to still want them anyway. Part of me wants to just be happy with what I've got. That contradiction, that tension is what I've decided to be.
Well, I'm off to meetings. Thanks for reading.
Oh, in case you thought I was ALWAYS this bad, I do have things that I am thankful for. See http://cuerpoaztlan.blogspot.com/2006/01/happy-06.html