Thursday, January 05, 2006

1/5/06 Accepting and Letting Go

Wow, this week has been very different than any other week I've had in a long time. Somehow looking at the positive things in my life, and some very positive experiences triggered me having to face some of my demons.

I'm still going from very happy to crying out of nowhere. A friend of mine told me about a similar experience. He said in some older cultures having what we today call "psychotic breaks" are part of the process of finding our true selves, or "enlightenment." I'm able to control the actual crying now, but it still seems to come out of nowhere.

But the happier moments are stronger and clearer than before. I even started feeling motivated about work. I've been out of that for awhile. I don't feel overwhelmed or bugged as much when someone suggests I do something. It probably doesn't mean I'm ready to be my "old" self, but it seems like I'm getting closer.

Music is sounding clearer. It lifts me better. I could tell that it wasn't doing as much for me as usual. This is nice.

I'm going to do an arms and legs workout tomorrow, just curls and extensions. I'll try to go jogging with my wife over the weekend. And hopefully Monday I'll feel up to doing my normal workouts again.

My mental process this week has been very intense. It feels like a long time ago since Monday. I've been bitching for at least ten years that I remember feeling great when I was younger and now just feeling different. I realize as I write this that this feeling is emptiness. Something triggered me bringing back an old part of myself. To some degree it feels like I'm fighting with myself. There's a very serious part of me that evolved to "growing up." Part of all of this is that different people know me by different names. Its almost as if each name has its own personality.

I'm exhausted. But I'm also noticing that I'm accepting my life as it is. There are things I wanted to turn out different. There are things that I just wish were different. And instead of resisting and resenting them. I'm just letting them be. My wife woke me up this morning with some very scattered thoughts. This usually irritates the hell out of me. But I was able to listen and be supportive, and not feel bothered by it at all.

I'm looking at my mortality dead in the eye and not feeling bothered by it much.

I was able to notice and feel connected to my co-workers this morning at our staff meeting. Realized that I liked them a lot. There's one person that people are scared of, partially because she's management. She looked at me once during the meeting and I thought, "wow, she sincerely cares about everyone in this office." I could see it.

I wasn't AS self-conscious as I have been in the past. For a long time I was feeling like a farce and thinking that everyone sees THAT. But people seem to think that I'm good at what I do, and it seems that they want me around.

Last night I went out to binge and friends and family pulled together and got me to accept my first ride home. It was great to have a team thinking about me, and for me to respect their thinking. It's not that no one has ever said "maybe you shouldn't drive." It's just the first time I was accepting it, and the first time that it was a team effort. A caring that just blew me away.

Accepting that is a big deal. I'm letting go of some of my "frozen" expectations. Some things just didn't turn out how I wanted them to. Its fine. Some things won't turn out how I want them to, that's fine. I actually feel lighter than I have in quite awhile.

So there's this process going on that on one hand has made me think I was losing it really bad for awhile. And on the other hand things keep getting brighter every day. A little, but enough to be noticeable.

Letting go of the things that I can't change seems to be lightening me up also. Not clinging to my anger, hurt, and sorrow is definitely liberating. I'm far from a "finished" product, but I don't think we ever get there.

Most importantly I'm accepting me. I'm actually believing that I'm alright, just the way I am. I did that for about one second once. I never got back there. Now it seems that I'm able to hold on to that idea and feeling for longer periods of time. I guess I'll have to retrain my self to keep that!

I'm sleepy and need to eat lunch. But I have to say that acceptance and letting go seem to be sides of the same coin. I know this may be "off topic" with the rest of the blog, but such is life, que no?


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