Thursday, January 26, 2006
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On the emotional front. Trying to change some habits. First one is to dress a little nicer. The second one is to let someone know when I'm feeling like crap instead of holding it in. Also my bro told me I looked good last night, and I just couldn't accept it, I had to down play it. That's a habit that's gotta go.
My Grandmother's funeral was delayed due to lack of money. Then people were grouchy and my sister's were worried about me losing it so it was a little scary.
What ended up happening was that I was basically a counselor for much of my family. Some aunts and uncles and cousins cried on my shoulder. I spoke at the services about honoring my grandmother's love for all of us by loving each other. Then after the services we hung out at her house and drank. I ended up talking with a lot of my cousins, and my brother who had just gotten out of jail, about how we need to learn to love our dads. With all of their imperfections and such. And how we all got messed up by them, but maybe they got messed up by their dads. And it was interesting to see how many people were impacted by someone else's dad, but were themselves short changed.
Part of me wants to move back and help them, but I think I'd be pushing myself too much by that. I'd have to be involved enough in some rough things to keep my credibility and that doesn't seem worth it. At least for the kids anyway.
One of my cousins girlfriends told me as we were leaving that it was important that I was there. That I was a leader in the family. I guess I just gotta figure out how to live with that.
Overall, I found that the role I do as helper, counselor, and healer is important. I just need to retrain myself to be happier, and to take breaks once in awhile.